is anyone out there is anyone listening


life is one whale of a ride sometimes up sometimes down and sometimes on a rollercoaster of curves and sometimes the brakes of a dead end.   and right now seems like one of those emergency kind of brakes screatching out of control I just wonder what the next corner holds  and will I make it out ok on this dead end  my life has held so much and sometimes I am amazed that I have made it out ok and on this side of living.  that said their have been lots of trauma lots of bandaids and some lasting side effects.  I stayed for 22 years in a very violent abusive relationship.  my husband was ruled by the demons of alcohol and there was no way out where he kicked me in my back while I cradled our baby, now its one of the worst spots on my spine  where he would grab my neck under my hair so no one would know now is not so good in fact couple that with a car accident and more than one autoimune disorders that have also attacked my spine and other parts of my body and I have what they call intractable pain with no cure heres some pain pills of course as if jan 1st under new fda guidelines I have not had any pain medication since jan 30 and I am already seeing the damage to my life harder to get out of bed havent left house execpt to go to dr and as the pain goes unchecked everything starts to hurt worse and worse and my body stiffens in response and I feel like I am dieing and know that if anyone suffers from this kind of pain you know that I am now in hell  good news they were right when you are in real and extreme pain you do not become addicted but bad news without adequate pain control my blood  preasure is skyhigh my heartbeat too fast and I know that I am in trouble but heres the catch 22 if I ask for pain medication I will be told no but if I don’t ask for pain medication they will have a better chance of get the prescription so weird right but in this new world of government intrusion into how much pain medication and when it can be prescribed is now the decision of the state or the county not your doctor. sadly for me I really am in this kind of pain horror that has no cure and nothing I did or didn’t do wrong caused this pain that in and of itself have become a disorder and yet I am made to feel as if I am a criminal in search of my fix and when I register complaint that I don’t find it fair to be asked to pee and sign contracts to receive needed care.  I think some people don’t realize that once a door is opened it leaves room for others to come through.   what does this mean for me I don’t know I really don’t and wish that please someone could find me a pain remedy that was not a narcotic and so was once more a prescription.  because I am not an addict in search of a fix I am a patient in dire need of medical care.  I don’t need to be told that my care is guaranteed unless I have a condition that causes unbearable relentless never ending pain with no medical recourse   I actually had to go to a physcoligist for a year to deal with my anger that I cant be fixed and there is nothing they can offer except pallative pain measures.  so here I am 8 years later after this incident in abject pain worried that my blood preasure is too high.  I wish someone could help me but this is the world we live in today   peace and love and if you know someone in pain or if you are in pain know that you are in my prayers and I pray that some cure some pallative measure that does mean its governed by the state


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